Eyes Never Lie
by nancystagerat
Summary: Companion piece to Stand On My Own Haru's take on the scene. Her eyes had never lied to him before...


_Eyes Never Lie_

"You stay the hell away from me!"

Each word out of Rin's mouth was like a brick being thrown against my chest, chipping away pieces of my resolve, trying to convince me into believing that she meant what she said. Maybe it was working; it sure hurt like hell. The hand I'd extended to her slipped down a notch.

But her eyes…her eyes told me differently. I'd done enough staring into them since we were kids to know what they were trying to tell me. Those dark orbs I knew so well, black-brown shot through with burgundy, pleaded with me not to leave her alone again.

At least, that's what I thought they were saying. Ever since that day in the hospital, I could never be completely sure. I knew her better than I knew myself, and yet…she felt like a stranger.

But, her eyes had never lied to me before. I stepped closer.

"Don't you dare touch me!"

Thud! Another brick to my chest. Startled and hurt, I drew my hand away, slipping my rejected fingers back into my pocket. Rin seemed determined to break my heart slowly, chiseling away one tiny agonizing chip at a time. I searched her face, staring past the angry, frightened mask she'd plastered there. Her stony expression, her clenched fists, her defensive stance, all contradicted the pain in her eyes. I couldn't tell what she wanted from me. I needed a way to gauge what she really meant, buried back underneath that shell of hers I'd tried so hard to crack.

"You really don't…need me?" I asked, even though I already knew her answer. She turned her face away, uncomfortable under my scrutiny. I could barely hear her whispered "No". That in itself spoke volumes, but…I needed to be sure. Even if it might hurt her. Who knew, maybe…maybe she really didn't need me anymore.

"I see. In that case…it doesn't matter anymore." I did my best to keep my face blank as I searched hers for any sort of reaction. She gave me nothing to go on. So I continued.

"It doesn't matter…if I die."

It hurt to say those words, to watch her sway unsteadily for a beat, to see her face fall open in such horror. I knew I'd scared her. The eyes never lie.

She stared at me, her beautiful dark eyes wide with pain and fear and shock, every muscle in her body taut as wire. It almost hurt to look at her, knowing I had caused those lovely eyes to fill with pain. But, if the ends justified the means, at least now I could tell what she meant. She still cared for me at least a _little_, even if the love she'd once felt had died. A wave of relief broke over my head, soaking through every inch of my body. I still knew her, inside and out…didn't I? That nagging voice in the back of my mind kept whispering, fanning the flames of doubt, voicing my unspoken fears as I could never do aloud;

_But what if you _don't _know her as well as you used to? You heard what she said, Haru; you can't ignore that…_

I could feel my two sides warring with each other as I continued watching her face. I had scared her and I had hurt her and I wanted nothing more than to pull her close and soothe it all away. But, another piece of me wanted to shove her even farther back from me, wanted to hurt her in return and avenge the wounds she'd inflicted on my heart.

All the thoughts vying for my attention shattered and fell away like shards of broken glass as icy dread flooded through my veins. I felt like a monster. The fact that a piece of me consciously considered bodily harming her in any way made me feel so dirty my skin began to crawl. I wanted to exorcise myself, cast out and burn that violent side of me that did nothing but cause pain. The thought that my black side might someday do something to really hurt someone, something I couldn't fix, scared me beyond belief. The fact that Rin was the one I wanted to hurt was even worse.

_What in the seven hells are you _thinking_! This is_ _Rin,_ _we're talking about! You_ love _her, dammit! How could you even…_

I had no idea what to do. I wanted to seize her familiar body in my arms, cry into her hair, tell her how much I loved her one more time. Yet in the same instant I feared she'd make my dark side cast her away. My brain felt like a war zone, two halves battling each other, telling my heart to comfort her and my body to flinch away.

She had always been the one to calm my black side; I couldn't let her become the one to fuel its anger. My mind was made up.

I kissed her. She didn't push me away.

Rin slid bonelessly against me as my arms wrapped around her slender frame; she felt much thinner than I remembered. My hand against her side could feel her ribs through her dress. Why was she doing this to herself? Why was she punishing her own body as badly as Akito had? I trailed my fingers up her back, retracing her familiar shape, remembering how she felt. They lit briefly on the jagged ridge etched into her shoulder blade and my hand recoiled slightly; that scar had been my fault. Akito had pushed her through a window when he'd learnt of what we'd been doing, landing her in the hospital for months. She'd taken the fall to protect me, claiming that she'd seduced me, lying that she was to blame. And it was all my fault.

I needed to repay her in some way. I needed to protect her.

Her hands clenched themselves in my shirt as she fought to stay on her feet. I tightened my embrace to compensate, angling my face to better reach her lips, threading my fingers through her hair; I wanted more. After how many weeks without seeing her, being with her, holding her, I needed this. And, I got the feeling from the way her mouth sought mine that so did she.

Eventually I needed to breathe and had to break the kiss, but I couldn't relinquish my hold on her; not yet, not so soon. Rin trembled in my arms, but made no move to push me away. Instead, she pressed her face into the curve between my shoulder and neck, shaken and desperate for the comfort I wanted so badly to offer.

"Of course I'm lying…about dying." I murmured into her hair, resting my cheek against her head. I'd never realized how small she was before, how fragile and unsteady she'd become. I held her all the more tightly, falling silent, waiting for the blood to stop singing in my ears, feeling her fear melt away. I would've been perfectly content to stay here, just like this, forever, knowing she was safe and she was mine and she was loved…until the fear started nagging at my mind all over again. Why, if she hated me, had she let me kiss her, even kissed me back? Why, if I wasn't important anymore, had her eyes grown wide and fearful at my mention of suicide? What did she want from me?

"Rin, did I…not understand something?" I asked, my hand running down her back in slow, rhythmic strokes. "I thought I understood everything about you, Rin…"

_Please, Rin, tell me what went wrong. Teach me how to fix it. I want to help you heal._

"But maybe I got so complacent…that I failed to hear you calling out to me when you needed me most?"

_Show me how to love you, and I will._

She tensed ever so slightly; her hands clenched themselves a little tighter. Were my guesses getting warmer?

"Rin, are you still like on that day…unable to stand…on your own?"

I felt her body go rigid a split second before her hand connected with my face, and she lurched away from me as if she'd been burned. My head snapped to the side from the force, jaw set against the pain I hardly felt. I watched her curl defensively into herself, staggering backward away from the impact my words had left on her. Every inch of her screamed with fear I couldn't understand. For one fragile, fleeting moment her gaze met mine, twin pools of shadow filled with stagnant pain, breaking my heart with those lovely eyes that begged for my forgiveness.

She turned her back on me and bolted from my sight.


End file.
